You work out of a Hotel?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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