i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
