I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
