Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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