Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Randomize