no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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