You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
