My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
