I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
