Don't make out with my wife yet
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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