Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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