I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
