She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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