why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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