Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
