not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
