Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
