I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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