Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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