her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
