the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
