Christians are straight up FREAKS
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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