Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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