how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
