You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
