You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
