Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
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