No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
