You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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