I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I could fuck to npr.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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