I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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