Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize