New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
