I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
