honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
