This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
