i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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