I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
