that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
