smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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