I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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