dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
