i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
