I will die if light touches me.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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