You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize