so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
