I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
