So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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