she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
