I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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