don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
