when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize