I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i will never coherently bang her
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
