we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
