the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
