Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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