Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
