feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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