it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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