its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
