It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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