I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
