Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
