doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
