I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He kissed a someone with a penis
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
organizing the empties. That sober.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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